Today, a dead shark was discovered on the New York City subway. Coincidentally, it is also Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. This opens the door for two possibilities.
One: Someone (or some ones) who works for the Discovery Channel has a lot of explaining to do
Two: Someone who doesn't work for the Discovery Channel has literally been waiting all year for the opportunity to leave a dead shark on the subway.
There is also a series of separate possibilities which would have us believe that this shark is on the subway for reasons totally separate from Shark Week, but who among us really wants to live in that world?
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Worst things of 2012, Personal edition
10. Fedoras
Dear teenaged boys, your "fedora" (usually a trilby) isn't a daring fashion choice. It's the choice of a boy who wanted to be "classically masculine" which is an awful choice when you interpret that as "being a dick to women because you want to be 'alpha'". Also a gentleman never wore a hat indoors.
9. People who drive SUVs, but who park them like they're regular cars.
If your vehicle is so capable it could ford a river, you darn well better park it ever so slightly on top of that 6 inch high chunk of snow so the rest of us can have a place to park.
8.Verizon Ringback tones
No, I don't want to hear 10 seconds of generic classical music when I call you. It does not make you appear learned, if you were learned you would answer the phone when the delivery driver calls.
7. Congress
Congress' approval ratings are in the decline. They're so low, they're approaching the same likeability as street crime.
6. The phrase "twenty-doz" as an expression for 2012
It's clever, but it never caught on. It should have.
5. Working for free
Unpaid internship? Great! I'll just not eat or pay my rent until you decide whether you want to hire me in six months.
4. The patriarchy
I just don't like it.
3. The word 'swag'
We need a better word to describe that hanging garland made from tree branches.
2. A cheap plastic rain poncho
I tripped on this, hurt my knee and could not finish the marathon I'd entered.
1. People
2012 was rife with tragedy. Sandy Hook; Aurora, Colorado; Syria... Overand over we are told that Guns don't kill people; people kill people. So people, I'm on to you. I won't stand for your tricks in 2013.
Dear teenaged boys, your "fedora" (usually a trilby) isn't a daring fashion choice. It's the choice of a boy who wanted to be "classically masculine" which is an awful choice when you interpret that as "being a dick to women because you want to be 'alpha'". Also a gentleman never wore a hat indoors.
9. People who drive SUVs, but who park them like they're regular cars.
If your vehicle is so capable it could ford a river, you darn well better park it ever so slightly on top of that 6 inch high chunk of snow so the rest of us can have a place to park.
8.Verizon Ringback tones
No, I don't want to hear 10 seconds of generic classical music when I call you. It does not make you appear learned, if you were learned you would answer the phone when the delivery driver calls.
7. Congress
Congress' approval ratings are in the decline. They're so low, they're approaching the same likeability as street crime.
6. The phrase "twenty-doz" as an expression for 2012
It's clever, but it never caught on. It should have.
5. Working for free
Unpaid internship? Great! I'll just not eat or pay my rent until you decide whether you want to hire me in six months.
4. The patriarchy
I just don't like it.
3. The word 'swag'
We need a better word to describe that hanging garland made from tree branches.
2. A cheap plastic rain poncho
I tripped on this, hurt my knee and could not finish the marathon I'd entered.
1. People
2012 was rife with tragedy. Sandy Hook; Aurora, Colorado; Syria... Overand over we are told that Guns don't kill people; people kill people. So people, I'm on to you. I won't stand for your tricks in 2013.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Who steals lawn signs?
The 2012 presidential election is right around the corner, for those of you who only read my blog and not any of the million or so larger news outlets that exist on the internet. Elections mean campaign signs in lawns, which means people writing into my local paper complaining that evil people keep stealing their lawn signs and isn't the other side terrible for doing that because it's like censorship.
I would like to propose an alternative theory for what's happening here. I blame drunk teenagers. Those younger than twenty but older than twelve are already pretty dumb most of the time, but when you put them into groups and add alcohol, they do even dumber things for dumber still reasons. They're not out to steal signs because of their ties to any sort of political affiliation. They do it because they're drunk.
Sometimes they steal signs from the campaigns they oppose because "man, that's messed up." Sometimes the reason for the sign stealing is "Oh my God I LOVE (candidate)!!". And sometimes the reason is "Hey guys, I hate (candidate). Wouldn't it be funny if I took this sign? You know, because I have it but I don't like, like (candidate). That's like ironic, right?"
I'm invoking Natty Light's Law: Sometimes, the most correct answer is the one that involves drunk people.
I would like to propose an alternative theory for what's happening here. I blame drunk teenagers. Those younger than twenty but older than twelve are already pretty dumb most of the time, but when you put them into groups and add alcohol, they do even dumber things for dumber still reasons. They're not out to steal signs because of their ties to any sort of political affiliation. They do it because they're drunk.
Sometimes they steal signs from the campaigns they oppose because "man, that's messed up." Sometimes the reason for the sign stealing is "Oh my God I LOVE (candidate)!!". And sometimes the reason is "Hey guys, I hate (candidate). Wouldn't it be funny if I took this sign? You know, because I have it but I don't like, like (candidate). That's like ironic, right?"
I'm invoking Natty Light's Law: Sometimes, the most correct answer is the one that involves drunk people.
Friday, October 26, 2012
A revised social contract
Just a draft of a contract for understanding how to behave in modern society. Basically, a more thorough writing down of Wheaton's Law (namely; Don't be a dick)
I, (your name here) agree to follow the following standards of behavior when interacting in public spaces. When used here "public spaces" means all places which exist outside of my own private home; including workspaces, modes of public transportation, public roads, businesses, as well as non-physical locations such as on the internet.
I agree that my right to hold my own beliefs does not come before the rights of others to be free from harassment, their right to live their lives in the way they choose to, or their right to hold opinions which differ from mine. I will accept that people close to me will make choices which I disagree with and that I will have to allow them to make those choices. I also agree that my right to my choice to express certain ideas does not come before the rights of others to be offended by my choice of expressions.
I agree that I am responsible for my own behavior, including my choice to put myself in situations where my ability to be responsible is compromised. I agree to not actively cause harm (whether that harm be physical or emotional) to others, but I also agree to not engage in acts which could recklessly cause harm to another, or acts where the likelihood of harm is in question.
I understand that I may choose to take reasonable countermeasures against others harming me, but I am not required to take these protections to my self. The choice of others to cause harm to me is not excused by my decision to not take these countermeasures.
I understand that inequalities exist, and that I will not actively perpetuate them or through inaction allow them to worsen. Maintenance of the status quo, however onerous it may be to others is the bare minimum not-unacceptable behavior.
I agree that I am entitled to feel my own personal pain, and that nobody is allowed to question that pain; nor am I allowed to question the personal pain of others. However, that private feeling of pain does not undo existing societal inequalities, nor does it make my life objectively 'more difficult' than the life of anyone else.
I agree to admit that I will not always be right about everything, that I will admit there are things which I am wrong about and there are things with which I will disagree with others. I will disagree respectfully and will admit wrong sincerely. I understand that even this very contract is something about which people will disagree.
Lastly, I agree that adhering to these standards of conduct set forth in this contract does not entitle me to anything from anyone. These standards are basic minimums for behavior, not lofty goals which adhering to is laudable. I will not use adhering to or attempting to adhere to this contract as a means of getting others to do things which they would not want to do.
(signature)
I, (your name here) agree to follow the following standards of behavior when interacting in public spaces. When used here "public spaces" means all places which exist outside of my own private home; including workspaces, modes of public transportation, public roads, businesses, as well as non-physical locations such as on the internet.
I agree that my right to hold my own beliefs does not come before the rights of others to be free from harassment, their right to live their lives in the way they choose to, or their right to hold opinions which differ from mine. I will accept that people close to me will make choices which I disagree with and that I will have to allow them to make those choices. I also agree that my right to my choice to express certain ideas does not come before the rights of others to be offended by my choice of expressions.
I agree that I am responsible for my own behavior, including my choice to put myself in situations where my ability to be responsible is compromised. I agree to not actively cause harm (whether that harm be physical or emotional) to others, but I also agree to not engage in acts which could recklessly cause harm to another, or acts where the likelihood of harm is in question.
I understand that I may choose to take reasonable countermeasures against others harming me, but I am not required to take these protections to my self. The choice of others to cause harm to me is not excused by my decision to not take these countermeasures.
I understand that inequalities exist, and that I will not actively perpetuate them or through inaction allow them to worsen. Maintenance of the status quo, however onerous it may be to others is the bare minimum not-unacceptable behavior.
I agree that I am entitled to feel my own personal pain, and that nobody is allowed to question that pain; nor am I allowed to question the personal pain of others. However, that private feeling of pain does not undo existing societal inequalities, nor does it make my life objectively 'more difficult' than the life of anyone else.
I agree to admit that I will not always be right about everything, that I will admit there are things which I am wrong about and there are things with which I will disagree with others. I will disagree respectfully and will admit wrong sincerely. I understand that even this very contract is something about which people will disagree.
Lastly, I agree that adhering to these standards of conduct set forth in this contract does not entitle me to anything from anyone. These standards are basic minimums for behavior, not lofty goals which adhering to is laudable. I will not use adhering to or attempting to adhere to this contract as a means of getting others to do things which they would not want to do.
(signature)
Thursday, October 25, 2012
If I were rich
I recently read about a millionaire who spends his time dressed up like Batman, who visits sick children in hospitals. A very noble endeavor indeed. But the problem is that we know who this millionaire is. If I had that kind of money, I'd definitely have the batman suit, but I wouldn't tell anyone who I was. I'd just leave my batsuit hanging up in the back of the closet for my partner to discover one day and let them draw their own conclusions about what I do with my time.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Another reason why I won't ever become president
If I ran for president, I wouldn't pander to rural America. I wouldn't pretend that I can identify with country lifestyles, because I can't. I'm not even 100% sure I know what a cow looks like.
My campaign stops in rural areas would be mostly asking "why the hell do you guys live here? There's nothing to do! And this is Nebraska; it's not like the scenery is especially pretty or anything."
I'd ask a bunch of stupid questions too. "Can't we get robots to do farming yet? How far can you throw a cow? Is it true goats will eat tin cans? Well, have you tried? How come there aren't any African American country singers?"
My campaign stops in rural areas would be mostly asking "why the hell do you guys live here? There's nothing to do! And this is Nebraska; it's not like the scenery is especially pretty or anything."
I'd ask a bunch of stupid questions too. "Can't we get robots to do farming yet? How far can you throw a cow? Is it true goats will eat tin cans? Well, have you tried? How come there aren't any African American country singers?"
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
How to write badly
Please stop abusing adverbs.
Adverbs modify adjectives or verbs. Once you learn what they are, I think your writing becomes worse because they're an easy shortcut to telling somebody something. Your villain needs to be cruel? Just say "he smiled cruelly" or some garbage like that. Why bother having your villain do things that only the truly heartless would do, when you can just tell the reader that this guy's seriously not a nice person?
Try this: every time you want to use an adverb, put the one that means the opposite in its place. Read the passage. If the opposite meaning is also coherent, you need to do a rewrite because there's not enough character there. You're making that poor adverb do all the work for you.
Adverbs modify adjectives or verbs. Once you learn what they are, I think your writing becomes worse because they're an easy shortcut to telling somebody something. Your villain needs to be cruel? Just say "he smiled cruelly" or some garbage like that. Why bother having your villain do things that only the truly heartless would do, when you can just tell the reader that this guy's seriously not a nice person?
Try this: every time you want to use an adverb, put the one that means the opposite in its place. Read the passage. If the opposite meaning is also coherent, you need to do a rewrite because there's not enough character there. You're making that poor adverb do all the work for you.
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