The Bechdel, Crichton and Silverlake tests

NaNoWriMo update!
Let me just state the following: writing stuff that isn't present day non-jargony literature has its difficulties. For one, I have this book set in 1890s Paris. Which requires me to have a working knowledge of turn of the century science. As in I actually have to think "did they have phones at this time? What about radio?" I know television was ages away and cars existed albeit barely, but I can't exactly say 'The hero climbed aboard his horse because cars hadn't been invented yet, dummy.'
The other downside is that I set this in Paris, a city I have never been to, have absolutely no idea the geographical layout of, and is a place I have often referred to as "another bullshit town". Then again, this is a novel that exists just to be written as a VERY rough draft. If I wanted to actually publish it, I'd have to do all kinds of rewrites and research. The boring stuff.

But I am trying to make it count for something. The Bechdel test is a measure of female presence in movies (which can apply to other creative works too). It's three questions:
1. Are there two named female characters?
2. Do they talk to each other?
3. Do they talk to each other about something that isn't a man?

And this seems like it's not that hard a thing to do. Which it totally isn't. (Did you hear that, screenplay writers?) It's the sort of thing that makes me realize that when I do all this writing, that the characters should do more than say snarky things at each other. Actually scripting motivations and dramatic interactions that address character arcs is nice. Still working on the whole 'have a unique voice/point of view for each character' thing, but that's for another month.

Then we get to the reason I'm doing so much research: the Crichton test. While not an official test per se, the idea is the creation of a false scientific research or conclusion which is sufficiently complex and accurate enough to fool someone not well-versed in the field. This is another thing I'm glossing over in the first draft, only inserting enough detail to convince myself that what I'm writing isn't totally full of crap.

Lastly, the Silverlake test. This is a test of mustache fortitude and it's about Movember instead of NaNoWriMo. 12 days is not enough to grow a 'stache sufficient to pass this test, but one could to it in a month. It will be interesting to see where it goes. In the process, I'm learning that I really cannot pull off a mustache. I might try and craft it into the Zappa, which is a far riskier variant of the goatee, and cousin of the soul patch.

The department of condescension

Hello, department of condescension

Hi, I'd like to buy a computer.

You'll need to fill out an application. We can do this over the phone if you'd like

Not a problem

Of course. How many are there in your family?

There are three of us.

Okay. And your annual income?

Twenty thousand

Hang on a second. You don't make enough to get a computer.

I don't?

You're borderline living in poverty. You're not allowed to have a computer

But I need a computer for my kids. They need to do research for class projects

That's what the library is for.

Because of budget cuts, the local library is over-crowded and isn't always open when we need it

Not my department, not my problem.

Is there anything else I can do?

I'll pull up your file, see if you have any credits remaining. You qualify for a fridge and microwave, and you have both of those. It says here you also have air conditioning. oof. That's a no-no.

But our apartment gets way too hot in the summer. I have to leave my kids at home when I'm working and they're not in school. I don't want them to overheat.

You know the rules. You're paid a living wage, it's not my fault if you can't afford all these luxuries. That's why we created the department of condescension: we got sick of these so-called "poor" families crying about not having enough money to go around. If you're not going to have the determination to make sacrifices, we're going to make sure you do. It's for your own good.

But this is a quality of life issue. Why can't I have certain things that make life easier, make it possible to keep up with all the other people who can afford things like computers? I mean, I don't want to sound ungrateful. The department was really being charitable when they allowed me to have a car so I didn't have to rely on buses to get to my jobs. But shouldn't people be allowed the freedom to have certain little things so that we can feel good about ourselves?

I'm sorry, but you don't make enough money to have 'dignity'. You're close, but not there yet.

I'm sick of being treated like a second-class citizen. How come anytime I buy something nice for my family, I'm being irresponsible, but anytime I even begin to question the excessive things the rich buy, I'm accused of class warfare?

Excuse me, ma'am, are you on a cell phone?

I'm on a cell phone, yes

I'm sorry ma'am, but a cell phone is a blatant violation of Department policy at your income level. We'll send agents over to your location to confiscate it immediately. Thank you for calling the Department of Condescension, and we hope you can soon earn enough to be allowed to have a nice day.

Tofu logic

I recently ate at a vegan restaurant with some friends. My dish was a tofu curry, with vegetables. I did not enjoy my dish, and I left about half of it uneaten.

The reason for my dislike of the dish can be summed up by the line repeated by many many tofu apologists: "The great thing about tofu is that it takes on the flavor of whatever you put it with." From this statement, a few key inferences may be drawn.

1. Tofu itself does not have that great of a flavor. If tofu were delicious, there wouldn't be a need to say how it doesn't detract from the surrounding flavors. So then, tofu is to food what the word 'basically' is to the English language: Add it in, and it doesn't actually contribute much to the sentence. Basically.

1.5 What is important to note is that the tofu must be incorporated into the dish for this effect to take place. The chunks of tofu in my dish were half the size of my fist. Tofu does not work by osmosis; you can't just toss a whole block into a curry and expect the block to taste like curry. Pieces the size of lego blocks would have been far more palatable.

2. The thing into which the tofu is introduced should be flavorful. Gelatinous protein dish plus flavorless slurry does not a good meal make. In this regard, the curry failed. Instead of being a spicy concoction to tempt my tastebuds, it was a weak, thin sauce with only the vaguest hints of curry. It's as though someone had only told the sauce what curry was supposed to taste like. For shame, vegans.

The ultimate failing of the meal is this: the best thing about my meal was that we ordered an appetizer platter of sweet potato fries. And going to a vegan restaurant to order sweet potato fries sounds.... well, that's actually a really good idea. If vegan restaurants went out of their way to show off the things which were vegan which most people would eat anyways, people wouldn't think vegans were so weird and cult-y. Things like chips with salsa, oreo's, nutter butters. Things like basic pasta dishes. Not things like smoothies made of spinach and bark.

The dance of the green arrow

I'm studying for my CA driver's license. The one challenge is that nobody in LA actually drives according to the manual. I think some changes need to be made. Please, let this be an official rule:

Drivers: In order to make a left turn in a busy intersection, you must wait until a green arrow is given. If you have a green arrow, you can turn. If you're one of the cars going on a yellow arrow, you may also make the turn. If your car is in motion, and you are in the intersection when the yellow arrow ends, you may complete your turn. It is not acceptable to caboose this turning train under the belief that nobody would want to hit your car. That makes you a terrorist and a bad person.

You may however use the rule of gridlock prevention. If at all possible to do this safely, move into the intersection. Once the light turns red, make your turn so you aren't blocking the soon to be oncoming traffic. Any car which is in the intersection as the light turns red is allowed to do this. If you attempt to game the system and caboose this train, you are stealing green arrow from the traffic headed perpendicularly to you. If you attempt to enter the intersection on a red light to make a left turn in this way, I propose the following rule: any car which chooses to do so may hit your car, and will do so without any fault. Furthermore, the city of Los Angeles will award $5000 dollars as a reward to that driver hitting your car.

Pedestrians: The City of Los Angeles reluctantly admits you have a right to be on the road as well. However, your green light and walk sign do not necessarily mean that the walkway will be free from cars. Do not enter the crosswalk until all cars have completed making their left turns. Yes, even you, guy in the blue polarfleece jacket and running shoes from last night.

NaNoWriMo-vember

November combines two middle-term goals for me.

1. NaNoWriMo

aka national novel writing month. You write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. For reference, that's 1,667-ish words per day. As of right now I've written 518. Only two of them are swear words, and one of those other 516 words is 'Spatchcock'. This should give you an idea about how this novel's going to turn out.

2. Movember

I learned about Movember when I was in Australia. In years past, friends of mine had made facebook posts about events such as 'No-shave November' 'Novem-beard', 'facial hair February' and 'manly month of March'. All excuses to grow beards just for the heck of it. Enter Movember, where men grow mustaches to raise awareness of men's health issues. It wasn't so much the idea of a bunch of men growing mustaches for the cause, it was that men in prominent positions like newscasters or cricketers were doing it. It wasn't just a joke, it was a real, legitimate endeavor. Also, it's going to make people think I'm even more of a hipster than I might secretly be.