The department of condescension

Hello, department of condescension

Hi, I'd like to buy a computer.

You'll need to fill out an application. We can do this over the phone if you'd like

Not a problem

Of course. How many are there in your family?

There are three of us.

Okay. And your annual income?

Twenty thousand

Hang on a second. You don't make enough to get a computer.

I don't?

You're borderline living in poverty. You're not allowed to have a computer

But I need a computer for my kids. They need to do research for class projects

That's what the library is for.

Because of budget cuts, the local library is over-crowded and isn't always open when we need it

Not my department, not my problem.

Is there anything else I can do?

I'll pull up your file, see if you have any credits remaining. You qualify for a fridge and microwave, and you have both of those. It says here you also have air conditioning. oof. That's a no-no.

But our apartment gets way too hot in the summer. I have to leave my kids at home when I'm working and they're not in school. I don't want them to overheat.

You know the rules. You're paid a living wage, it's not my fault if you can't afford all these luxuries. That's why we created the department of condescension: we got sick of these so-called "poor" families crying about not having enough money to go around. If you're not going to have the determination to make sacrifices, we're going to make sure you do. It's for your own good.

But this is a quality of life issue. Why can't I have certain things that make life easier, make it possible to keep up with all the other people who can afford things like computers? I mean, I don't want to sound ungrateful. The department was really being charitable when they allowed me to have a car so I didn't have to rely on buses to get to my jobs. But shouldn't people be allowed the freedom to have certain little things so that we can feel good about ourselves?

I'm sorry, but you don't make enough money to have 'dignity'. You're close, but not there yet.

I'm sick of being treated like a second-class citizen. How come anytime I buy something nice for my family, I'm being irresponsible, but anytime I even begin to question the excessive things the rich buy, I'm accused of class warfare?

Excuse me, ma'am, are you on a cell phone?

I'm on a cell phone, yes

I'm sorry ma'am, but a cell phone is a blatant violation of Department policy at your income level. We'll send agents over to your location to confiscate it immediately. Thank you for calling the Department of Condescension, and we hope you can soon earn enough to be allowed to have a nice day.