The Worst things of 2011 (personal edition)

Well, 2011 happened. A whole year of things. But what were the worst things to happen in 2011? What were the bad things? What other synonyms for 'bad' will optimize my SEO for this puppy? Let's take a look at my opinion of the worst events or things of 2011.

10. Corgis
It's not that they've done anything wrong, it's just that the internet has made them cool. And now I want one. But I'd be a terrible dog owner, heck I can barely keep my plants alive. I also have no friends who live closeby who have corgis. Which makes them terrible friends, honestly.

9. 1% milk
Seriously, milk. Start paying your fair share of taxes and stop influencing government so much. I won't tolerate it anymore.

8. Teenagers
I'm at the age where the "half your age plus seven" rule for determining the youngest age for dating acceptability only reaches adults. However, any lingering desire to go below that guideline has been stomped into a pulp by reading the twitterfeeds of teenagers. I'll summarize my findings thusly: my god, they're dumb.
You've tweeted over 100,000 times, and none of them have had any real substance. The government is keeping a log of every tweet, to be saved for future researchers. So if you're under 18 and are a prolific tweeter, I figure you owe the government at least $1 per 1,000 tweets. Double if you identify yourself as a belieber

7. Planet Earth
I want to save you, Earth. I really do. But you keep trying to kill us all. Floods, earthquakes and whatever a typhoon is, you've thrown it all at us this year. Well, this year if you try any of that crap I'm going to start littering again. You've been warned earth.

6. Rick Santorum
How has Rick Santorum done in the GOP debates? While his policies on social issues especially those of marriage equality make him a dick, in the debates he comes across in exactly the same way that Charlie Brown does. He's a scrappy underdog minus scrappy plus whining.

5. Mono(?)
Earlier this year I was sick with... something. Pain in my throat became a uvula the size of a grape. It's one of those things that if I were a doctor and it weren't happening to me, I'd think it was fascinating. But I'm not House, M.D. and I hate it when my uvula gets caught on my tonsils, so to the health center I went. Their tests showed it was mono, so I got a little card of pills and vicodin for the pain. The good news is whatever it was it healed up really quick. The better news is OHMYGOD vicodin is a divine gift. But mono isn't one of those things you get better from after like 2 days. So... what did I have? I'm ending the year as a medical mystery.

4. Dryers in name only
When I have a job I do what I'm told, when I'm told to do it for the most part. I may not be perfect, but I try to have the final project be a really close match to the job description. When I'm a librarian, I move books around and say Shhh at people. When I'm a production assistant, I assist the production of small films. When I'm in public relations, I'm considering how that really sounds like a euphemism for exhibitionism.
And you know why there isn't an appliance called a damp-maker? Because nobody wants their clothes to end up that way after an hour of spinning. I expect warm and toasty and static-clingy because I wash wool things and don't want to invest in those dryer sheets.

3. Unpaid internships
For those of you not in the know, an unpaid internship is where you work and they don't pay you. Didn't we fight a war about this?

2. Bad kissers
If you're not a good kisser, it's okay. You can be taught how to kiss. But there's a particular class of bad kisser that is almost terrifying. It's like that scene in Alien that I haven't actually seen. She came at me with the fury of gale force winds, and yes there was an unwelcome injection of multiple inches of tongue. The worst part was that she was dead-set on the idea that this was how one was supposed to kiss, and I could tell that any attempts on my part to try and rectify the horrifying oral attack would prove fruitless.
Still don't know why I hooked up with her a second time.

1. My oven woes.
The gist:
- The people who own my apartment building did not do a great job of maintaining the oven, and when I moved in I discovered this.
- When I used the oven, it would set off the fire alarm
- The gas company said that it was a fire hazard to have the oven in this condition
- I can't fix the oven myself without disassembling the broiler, and that sounds kind of dangerous
- Despite the fact that I kind of have had a fire hazard in my apartment for over six months, the landlord and the property management company haven't done anything to fix it.


So congratulations Touchstone Properties, LLC! You win the title of worst thing of 2011 ever as far as I'm concerned. Last year's winner Ke$ha was not available to comment on her loss of the title to my oven situation, but I'm sure it's for the best.