I got 88 problems..

I want to find the man who decided that piano chords should only sound good when you hit notes that are like a foot apart from each other, and I want to make sure he starts singing a whole octave higher for a while. I don't have big, flexible man hands. Mine fall into the category of really soft and a little bit childlike. Super useful for backrubs, but for piano I'd be better off using something like boxing gloves. Or my face.

I bought a cheap-ish casio keyboard as part of a plan to achieve life goals. I'd established that I wanted to be able to play the intro to Don't Stop Believing, truly a classic composition of our time. I came into this with the idea that I could 'teach myself' how to play. It's a slow process, and along the way I've learned a few lessons.

1. My left hand is basically useless. One of my hands can glide over the keys fairly proficiently, doing a sort of somersault upon itself to hit scales in sequence. One of my hands exists solely so that I have a backup place to hold things at parties.

2. These two hands do not like working together. In movies, when the FBI rolls in to track down the killer, the local police force isn't happy with this decision. This is exactly how my hands operate together. Any situation where the left hand occasionally but not always has to play notes at the same time as the right hand (basically every song ever written) leads to a communication breakdown.The addition of the left hand to the right throws a giant spanner into the works.

3. Running before you can walk: Good idea? I have a large collection of beginner piano lesson books from a former girlfriend. These books are full of songs that you'd say were cute if your 6 year old cousin played. I haven't been six for a while, so I am loathe to spend time mastering them. It's like learning to be good at wii bowling. I mean, you *can* put in the effort to do it, but when you absolutely nail it, nobody's going to be impressed with your accomplishments in a meaningful way. I also have the sheet music to Blue Rondo a la Turk; a song where the time signature has a '+' in it. Worth the risk of irrevokably damaging tendons in my hand for? Absolutely.

4. Sheet music might as well be written in morse code. I went through 6 years of band, and I cannot actually read music. I learned what all the dots mean, just enough to learn what the starting notes are and when I shouldn't play. Everything else is guesswork. Making lucky guesses over and over again. This is kind of a metaphor for my life as well. I don't actually know what the word insidious means, but I know the times when I can use it.

But that's just how I roll. I don't always do things the smart way, but I try and do them MY way. Speaking of, I should try and learn to play Sinatra's "My Way". Anyone want to give me a hand with these boxing gloves?