Ode to the dorm mattress

I remember the joys of dorm living. My experience might be a bit different than most dorm living: In exchange for paying through the nose for a meal plan and campus housing, I got to live in the brand-new and pretty swanky dorm. It wasn't all luxury, but it had some perks like air conditioning, bathrooms we didn't have to share with the whole floor and most importantly brand new mattresses. A good mattress is critical for so many things. You spend 1/3 of your day in bed. You also spend about half of your early morning class sessions in bed. So a good, firm, supportive mattress is key. Now your standard dorm mattress is wrapped in the kind of industrial plastic used by serial killers, and comes in the least useful size imaginable: your feet will not dangle over the edge, but no other accommodations are made for your comfort. Twin-XL is already a sort of specialty size, but why not make the mattresses even just 4 inches wider? Those are comfort inches. What matters most is that these were brand new. Unspoiled. Pure as the driven snow. Put a mattress in close proximity to a coed group barely post-pubescent, add alcohol and a certain joy of new found freedom, and things are gonna get freaky. After one year, this mattress will be saturated in easily a half-dozen fluids, usually of human origin. They say that doorknobs and phone receivers contain the most bacteria, but I doubt that. I challenge you to drunkenly hook up entirely supported on a doorknob. But my mattress and I had many fond memories. The times I slept alone. The times I slept also alone. The times I slept on the floor because I had passed out thereupon. I miss thee mattress. I should like to visit you again. But only after you've been soaked in hospital-grade sanitizer. Ew.