I did it all for the snookie, the snookie

Breaking news:
Jersey Shore "star" Snookie is famous for reasons that defy logic and common decency. In any event, the totally legitimate and not a broadsheet rag New York Post reports that the 23-year-old's birthday party will be sponsored by Lifestyles Condoms.

Thank you Lifestyles, for taking the initiative to help ensure that anyone even loosely associated with Snookie will not reproduce.

An open letter to nature

Dear lawn,
I'm not sure where our relationship soured, but I'd like to make our interactions better. I truly believe we can make things work and learn to live together happily.
In case you are unaware of what you did to upset me, I'm going to remind you. Earlier today I had decided that I would like nothing more than to walk barefoot upon you. A simple request, and in my mind, not an unreasonable one. And yet this idea displeased you. With nary a warning, you jabbed several missiles into my most vulnerable of foot-parts - and on my very first foot-step no less.
I cannot understand why such defense systems are necessary. You are a lawn - you are meant to be enjoyed in bare feet. And yet, you insist on cultivating defenses against this very practice. It seems that this is an evolutionarily unstable practice. I could rip you out and put in more patio, but neither of us truly want that outcome.
I'm sorry for whatever it is I did to you to hurt you. But you did hurt me. Not just my feet, but you hurt my pride too when I was forced to do that awkward short-steppy walk that happens when you're trying to not put weight on half of your foot. But I'm willing to forgive, and hope you're willing to do the same.
Best,
Nick

Who steals a front lawn?

Woke up this morning¹ and the front yard was gone. A 2 foot high brick wall and a collection of sticks which was at one point in time a garden, were missing.
Two scenarios are possible:
A) Housing is telling us the truth, and workers were repairing a gas main
B) They're demolishing the house bit by bit, to see when we start to notice that something's amiss.

Of course if it's option B, we're still going to leave passive-aggressive notes.
"Hey guys, when you're done demolishing the living room, can you please take out the trash?"
"It's cool if you take out the patio, but can you stop taking my mustard? Seriously, buy your own"


1. afternoon

And now, the health report

CNN covered the story of a nutrition professor who went on a 10-week diet consisting mostly of high-sugar junk food. And no, this did not end like Super size me: he lost 27lbs. What lessons can we take away from this story?

1) weight loss comes down to diet and exercise. Diet comes from eating fewer calories. Exercise comes from the six year old level of hyperness that you get by eating 1200 calories of sugars in a day.

2) We now have permission from a nutrition professor to eat a dinner that looks exactly like the Katy Perry 'California Girls' video, as long as we throw in a multivitamin here and there.

3) Did any of you ever have a health class lead by someone who dedicated weeks at a time to the dangers of smoking, yet this same teacher would burn through a pack a day?

And now, the news

First some sad news: The New York Times is reporting that Charles Reynolds has died. Mr. Reynolds' claim to fame is that he was a prolific creator of large-scale illusions for stage magicians. As per his wishes, his casket will be fed through a wood chipper, only to emerge on the other side completely undamaged.

In other news, residents of Fountain Hills, Arizona are upset that the city has changed the way their trash will be collected. It's times like these I'm glad I have this image at the ready:
















Really? You're upset that the city is taking care of your trash? And you're going to derisively call it 'trashcare'? I'm pretty sure the a major part of the definition of trash is "the things I used to own but that I now don't want to deal with anymore".

Okay, I get that before you could choose between 5 different removalists, and now you can't, but keep in mind that the city can negotiate to get a discount probably larger than anything you could have on your own. Also, recycling? really? Who the hell opposes recycling?

A key difference

Muscle cars and sports cars are often confused. But I think I've figured out the difference:
Muscle cars make men look more virile. Sports cars make men look like they're compensating for something.

Nick Klaus: Live

I used to do open mics at a place called the Hamilton Hotel, but that night was shut down for the rest of the year. It was a horrible room, but I miss it because there was something oddly comforting about it. I guess it'd be like if some of those Chilean miners wanted to go back "for old times sake".

Anyways, you can catch me Mondays at the Newmarket Hotel. It's a free show that starts at 7:30 PM. I get about 5 minutes, but everyone who goes up is good.