Women

Anyone who refers to women as "the weaker sex" has never had their ass kicked by a girl.

Why does my brain do this?

I was invited to an Oscar-watching party. So why is it that the first thing my brain thought was "Oh my g-d, I can make crudités!"

Improving games

Apparently, last night the other people in my house improved Truth of Dare. Now it's just called 'Dare'.

Hi, I'm greetings

USC has a Ninjitsu club. We know it exists because they're not very good at being ninjas yet.

To Hell with Typographers

I'm going to say this, and I know it's going to piss off typographers, but I'm past the point of caring.

I'm over Helvetica. I no longer want to see prints of cutesy slogans set in helvetica on your goddamn Etsy store. I don't want to see your tshirt that's in helvetica to show what a goddamn graphic design badass you are. I sort of appreciate chalkboard, comic sans and papyrus that little bit more because they aren't fucking everywhere.

Near as I can tell, there was a period in the noughts (or the nulls, the zeroes, or my favorite, the 2Ks) where people didn't care about helvetica. Lots of stuff was in helvetica because that's what the logo was and there wasn't a need to change it. Great. Keep it that way. But then some documentary people were like why don't we do a documentary on a font.

And graphic designers FLIPPED THEIR SHIT. Suddenly it's like 'OMG, why aren't we putting everything in Helvetica? My business cards, my wedding invitations, my tattoos everything helvetica! THERE IS NO FONT BETTER THAN HELVETICA.

And it was relentless. For a while, it was cool. It played right into my hand when I was discovering fonts and realized that Comic Sans would never be cool and that Papyrus was never used properly. But then I grew tired of it. But the graphic designers weren't stopping. On and on. MORE HELVETICA! MORE!!!

I really hope this myopia wears off. I like futura. I like that font that looks like Bank Gothic, only better. I like the official London Underground font (but am I going to pay 130 bucks for it? Hell no). There's a whole wide world of fonts, people. Let's use them.

But not Chalkboard. Seriously, fuck that one. Herculanum too.

Cheapass Cell Phone Features

I have a terrible phone. While many phones have things like cameras, apps, web access, and enough technology to put NASA to shame, mine has three features:
-Send and receive texts (usually)
-Make and receive calls
-Wake me up for class. Or more correctly, make me miss the best part of my dream.

Until yesterday, I thought this was it. Then I discovered it has a flashlight. Not using the screen to illuminate stuff, a freaking proper flashlight. And that made me happy because my phone is only slightly less of a completely useless brick.

Ritalin sounds like religion

You sometimes hear about people saying that G-d is speaking to them. This is something I'd like, but I don't think it's going to happen because some of my biggest dilemmas are over the least-important things.

And lo, a voice rang out from the Heavens, and it said 'Get the Butterfinger'

I feel like that would be a waste of my one lifetime divine message.
"What was your message?"
"Propose to her. You?"
"Get a butterfinger"
"I don't remember that ever being part of the Bible"
"I know! It wasn't even that good of a butterfinger"

The moral of this story is that G-d probably doesn't have very good taste in candy.

The USC 2011 Senior Gifts all suck

The USC 2011 senior class has the option of several possible ways to reward the university. They all suck. The options are:

1) Traveling trophy, between USC and Utah. First off, there isn't a rivalry between these two schools. I've been to Utah, I'm sure they don't have a claim to say they deserve to have a trophy with us. They're not near the Pacific, they don't even belong in the Pac-1012. I won't dignify them with a trophy.

2) A meeting room in Tutor Campus Center. There's a meeting room. Now, it's a meeting room brought to you by the students of 2011. Can you feel the excitement? CAN YOU?! Let's be honest, a gift should be something the recipient wants to have, not something where all we have to pay for is getting a plaque made and affixed to the most boring room imaginable.

3) A bunch of chairs. The 24-hour library needs new chairs, according to someone who actually studies. We could provide these chairs. Or we could say that we don't want to be OfficeMax, and that we'd rather provide something cool. Trust me, students at Leavey don't think 'thanks class of 2011, without your gift, my ass would be on a nastier chair.' Chairs have a shelf-life of about a decade, maximum. (Probably shorter at a library where I suspect more than a few students actually live)

4) Food Carts. This is the one I'm actually voting for, but that's because its the least bad option. I like eating, and I like the idea that there could be food that isn't in one of the dining halls, or in those darn stands. However, it's not like the food they'll be schlepping around is as good as the food trucks parked just off campus.

My recommendation for a 2011 senior gift, that are more in keeping with the USC campus ideals:
1) A statue that shoots fire. We have a fountain that is giving the finger to UCLA - a giant Fuck You to a university that really didn't do anything to make us angry. We have so many fountains, we are one of the most wasteful users of water among colleges. What better way to give a giant Fuck You to the environment than a fountain that shoots fire? Make it run 24-7, and power it with sequoias and pandas.

2) A parking lot only for cars worth more than $50,000. We get it, you're rich and therefore are a better person than I will ever be. Make daddy proud and park his gift to you front and center, where everyone can see. We'd be tearing down the library to make room for this lot because, like, who like actually studies? I mean really?

3) Homeless-proof garbage cans. We could try and make a society that's more equitable. But come on... that's just another socialist handout. Instead, make garbage cans that those nasty homeless can't come on campus and scrounge for the 5-cent return so their families can survive.

4) Coating fraternity row with teflon, so alcohol, vomit, urine and sexual abuse scandals just wash right off with a little water.

Personally, I'm submitting a bill to USC for $10,000, payable to me.

The key to immortality

If there's one thing my body is, it's persistent. Consider that I haven't been fifteen for the better part of 7 years. Yet my body has decided that acne was such a fun time that the party should never stop. This, plus my much shorter hair makes me look like a high schooler again.
It appears that I have discovered the key to living forever; the downside is you only get to relive the shitty years. FOREVER.

Review: grape nuts cereal

I think I live with the only person under retirement age who regularly eats Grape nuts cereal. Why is this cereal so preferred by people alive during the Great Depression? Nobody knows. But how does this cereal fare in today's world?

1) Taste. Grape nuts have no sugar. Instead, they have salt and yeast. The flavor is much like being hit with a baseball bat made of nutrition. You eat this cereal because it's so goddamn healthy it basically is a kind of punishment. "Yeah, remember all those years when you could have eaten healthier, but you didn't? Well, those foods didn't taste like sand. You missed your chance, and now you have no choice but to eat this."

2) Texture. They're quite... robust. It's right up there with pea gravel and popcorn kernels. I imagine when I've lost all my teeth and I get bionic metal dentures, I'll be able to eat Grape nuts without any problem. Until then, I'll stay away.

3) Fun. Some cereals have bright colors or fruit or variety to make them a pleasure to eat. Grape nuts bring all the joy of watching a clown die at a child's birthday party. It's brown, it's way too crunchy and it's still around.

Grade: D- Not quite a failing grade because I think they'd be good in ice cream.

In which I am a royal pain

Something that happened over the weekend:
I was at a party, talking with a friend of a friend of a friend, trying to avoid the playlist from hell. So we were on the porch of the house, one of those stately victorians which college students were living in, but which they had not yet totally ruined. Across the porch a couple demi-hipsters were leaning against the railing, smoking. Then suddenly, there was a thud. Beardy hipster was no longer visible. Physics told me that he must have done a backflip over the low railing. Not good.

I kicked into "I have no medical training, but I have many uncles who are doctors, and I've watched six episodes of House" mode.
"do you have I flashlight?" I asked his friend.
"yeah" he said, handing me a swiss army knife. I did what's known in the medical community as 'futzing', because damned if I knew how a knife was also a flashlight.
"press the side" the friend said. The light came on. Of course. I did the little 'follow the finger' game, which I've seen eye doctors do, and which must also have some valid diagnostic value. Beardyman's eyes moved, so that was good. He didn't have... eye paralysis.

I decided to do mental testing, because I had more of a clue how to do that. "do you know what day it is?" I asked my 'patient'.
"Hang on, it's maybe the 12th. Valentines is the fourteenth". I wasn't 100% sure which day it was either, but I was doing the same mental calculations. Either he was fine, or I was doing about as well as a guy who'd just hit his head falling from a porch. I took the option that was less insulting to me.
"do you know what day of the week it is?" I asked. I knew the answer to that one. So did he. I "discharged" him from my care.

And that's why smoking is hazardous to your health: Because you might wind up with me as your doctor when you fall off a porch.

Official ruling: ABCs edition

Cursive handwriting is useless, unless you are writing to the Queen.

Dan Snyder is an incompetent buffoon

Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder is filing suit against Washington DC journalist Dave McKenna. Basically, the newspaper said something mean about his qualifications as owner, and instead of ignoring the article, he acted like Barbara Streisand, and made a huge deal about an article that nobody would have cared about.
Gee Dan, what you probably should learn is that 'actual malice' doesn't mean that they're not being nice to you. Also, when people insinuate that you're a thin-skinned dupe without common sense, it's not a good idea to act like a... thin skinned dupe without common sense.

Basically, he doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning, and I'm pretty sure his (overpaid and spineless) lawyer could be found guilty of malicious prosecution for filing this suit. Instead, charges should be filed against the man doing the most to damage the "good" name and reputation of Dan Snyder: Himself.

I hope you're ready for a big surprise.

Lady Gaga has admitted that when she writes music, she also smokes pot. Apparently, just pot. Not LSD eyedrops or mescaline and peyote smoothies; merely the devils cabbage.
I feel like there's a powerful anti-drug message to take away from this.

Thanks, birds

I don't regret buying my car, but I do not like that it's become quite popular in the avian community as the place to 'go' upon. I swear, birds are flying in from out of the country.

My contribution to the German language

Kind of how Schadenfreude is a word that's been picked up in English to mean "taking joy in the suffering of others", I present another long German compound word to describe a very specific feeling.

Einliedsenttäuschung: (ine-leeds-ent-toy-shung) The feeling of disappointment one experiences when one really likes a song by a band, but likes no other songs they've made. Buying an album or two because you are caught up in this enthusiasm, only to discover that everything else they've made isn't good can cause this feeling. (see also one-hit blunder)

I will not learn this lesson for a while

I blame coffee flavored ice cream. That's what lead me to really like the taste of coffee. And, I had a tendency to eat coffee ice cream after dinner. We're looking at a total of about 7 years of programming this into my brain when I was a young child.

This explains why I keep forgetting why you're not supposed to drink coffee at 7pm.

This is what happens when class is held at a bar

Yesterday, my professor told me that I'm the sort of person who'd punch a guy, were I to be deeply offended by something they said to me. I really want to believe this is a compliment.

New, Tasty College Recipes

Amount of time spent looking over recipes per day: 20 minutes
Amount of time necessary to prepare a dish that looks good (average): 45 minutes
Amount of time it takes me to say "fuck it, I'm having cereal for dinner": 5 seconds

This is an institute of higher education. No, seriously.

Overheard while on campus: "I think I might have headbutted someone last night" As if this wasn't bad enough, three things to make it worse.
1) The speaker was female
2) I'm not sure that's the proper conjugation of 'headbutt'
3) That still sounds like a better evening than most of my weeknights

Suddenly, I don't need my hairdryer anymore

I did it. I got the haircut. For those of you not in the know, I was growing my hair out to make wigs for kids with cancer. I was also briefly growing my beard, to make wigs for kids with cancer who want beards. That second group is a much smaller, but really underserved niche.

a suggestion

I still think 'hot tub bible study' would have been an improvement.

I am not an artist

For a photo project, I decided to 'distress' some photos with an x-acto knife. This involved me carrying around a loaded and uncovered x-acto in my pocket for several hours.

As an important aside, there is a part of your brain that handles important things you should remember. Apparently, sometimes this brain only kicks in after the fact - the time my car got impounded is a good example of that.

Keeping that in mind, guess how many times I accidentally stabbed myself in the thumb
when I forgot that there was a sharp knife in my pocket.

And now, the crime report

CNN is reporting the murder of a journalist in New York City by a male model. Life is now Zoolander.