The USC 2011 Senior Gifts all suck

The USC 2011 senior class has the option of several possible ways to reward the university. They all suck. The options are:

1) Traveling trophy, between USC and Utah. First off, there isn't a rivalry between these two schools. I've been to Utah, I'm sure they don't have a claim to say they deserve to have a trophy with us. They're not near the Pacific, they don't even belong in the Pac-1012. I won't dignify them with a trophy.

2) A meeting room in Tutor Campus Center. There's a meeting room. Now, it's a meeting room brought to you by the students of 2011. Can you feel the excitement? CAN YOU?! Let's be honest, a gift should be something the recipient wants to have, not something where all we have to pay for is getting a plaque made and affixed to the most boring room imaginable.

3) A bunch of chairs. The 24-hour library needs new chairs, according to someone who actually studies. We could provide these chairs. Or we could say that we don't want to be OfficeMax, and that we'd rather provide something cool. Trust me, students at Leavey don't think 'thanks class of 2011, without your gift, my ass would be on a nastier chair.' Chairs have a shelf-life of about a decade, maximum. (Probably shorter at a library where I suspect more than a few students actually live)

4) Food Carts. This is the one I'm actually voting for, but that's because its the least bad option. I like eating, and I like the idea that there could be food that isn't in one of the dining halls, or in those darn stands. However, it's not like the food they'll be schlepping around is as good as the food trucks parked just off campus.

My recommendation for a 2011 senior gift, that are more in keeping with the USC campus ideals:
1) A statue that shoots fire. We have a fountain that is giving the finger to UCLA - a giant Fuck You to a university that really didn't do anything to make us angry. We have so many fountains, we are one of the most wasteful users of water among colleges. What better way to give a giant Fuck You to the environment than a fountain that shoots fire? Make it run 24-7, and power it with sequoias and pandas.

2) A parking lot only for cars worth more than $50,000. We get it, you're rich and therefore are a better person than I will ever be. Make daddy proud and park his gift to you front and center, where everyone can see. We'd be tearing down the library to make room for this lot because, like, who like actually studies? I mean really?

3) Homeless-proof garbage cans. We could try and make a society that's more equitable. But come on... that's just another socialist handout. Instead, make garbage cans that those nasty homeless can't come on campus and scrounge for the 5-cent return so their families can survive.

4) Coating fraternity row with teflon, so alcohol, vomit, urine and sexual abuse scandals just wash right off with a little water.

Personally, I'm submitting a bill to USC for $10,000, payable to me.