Old Man Klaus

I had my last day of classes today. I only have to dither around for another 2 weeks and then I will have graduated college. And I'm jumping straight from college senior to almost senior citizen.

Let's look at the facts that prove I'm totally not in my 20s.
-I have no clue what passes for modern popular music. I'm aware of things like Lady Gaga and the Rebecca Black song "Friday", but I could not tell you more than maybe 3 songs on the radio these days. I'm told that places me in my 30s at least.

-Turn on my car and what comes out is the Oldies station. And I get upset because the songs played aren't old enough. If that doesn't add another decade to my unconscious age, I don't know what will.

-If I had 3 wishes, one of them would be to make gas cheap again. I totally remember sub 1 dollar gas prices with the same joy and nostalgia that people use to remember things that don't exist anymore like Howdy-Doody or civil liberties.

-At Denny's I find myself looking at the over 55 section of the menu a lot more often than I should.

-I keep forgetting words. Words like "Law". It's not as bad as forgetting the word "couch", but it's not a good sign. I think my grandfather, father and I are in some sort of competition to forget as many words as possible, and even accounting for age differences, we're running a pretty close... um... running thingy.

-With a spare $300, I'd probably spend it on vintage furniture instead of a tattoo or weekend in Vegas. Only because my fake Eames lounger needs its matching ottoman.

-My next car will be a vintage mustang, because I've decided to skip straight to either midlife crisis or retirement gift to myself mode.

-I say "kids these days" in an un-ironic fashion.

There's two ways to spin this. Either I'm becoming my parents, or people my parents' age can rejoice in the fact that they have a lot in common with someone in their 20s. (I had to stop myself from saying mid-20s. I have no clue why I thought I was 24-ish)

YAY!! MASTERCHEF AUSTRAILA!!

Masterchef Australia's third season starts May 1. The idea is amateur chefs compete in a grueling 10+ week-long elimination-based series of challenges to become the top amateur chef in Australia and win a book deal. A lot of tasty food is made in the meantime. A lot of food I'd never touch in my life is also made, but you have to take the good with the stuff with mushrooms or kidneys in it.

It's seven times better than Junior Masterchef, where children under 12 prepared high-quality gourmet meals. I was being out-cooked and out-plated by someone in fourth grade, As if I didn't feel bad enough about making ramen for dinner already.

CNN collaborates with racists?

In lieu of thinking of something funny, here's an interesting thing I discovered a while back

The perils of grocery shopping

Whenever I go grocery shopping, I have to spend extra time in the fresh fruits and vegetables section. I sniff, poke and examine every piece of produce I see, and get really picky about what I put in my cart. This is only for show: I have no clue what I'm supposed to be smelling or feeling for. I only do it because I want to give my fellow shoppers the impression that I'm one of those people who totally eats vegetables all the time.

Why I want to be a lawyer

Because I could get to say this:
Your Honor, controlling precedent on the instant matter is State v Gilchrist, (2003 Ohio 2601) where the Fourth District Court of Appeals of the State of Ohio held that a man could in fact bark at a police dog without fear of punishment and that such conduct was protected by the First Amendment. As this Constitutionally-protected right was clearly established at the time of Stephens' arrest, Stephens is entitled damages under U.S.C §1983.

Of note is that the plain language of the statute which my client allegedly violated says that "No person shall recklessly do any of the following: (1) Taunt, torment, or strike a police dog or horse" where "Taunt" is meant to mean "a sarcastic challenge or insult," "to reproach or challenge in a mocking or insulting manner," or to "jeer at." This is impermissibly overbroad. I certainly have a right to state "I say my good police horse! You are viewed as a law enforcement officer, but can you count how many fingers I am holding up on this hand? Oh my, it appears you are inferior to that German horse of much fame who can accomplish such a feat."

Am I allowed to only study the ridiculous elements of case law?

Things my housemates think are acceptable behavior

The following are things completed between the hours of 2 and 5 AM by my housemates, in increasing order of loudness:

Several games of beer pong, with associated shouting smack-talk
Skylar slamming his head against the door to prove how hardcore he was
Inviting back a half-dozen drunk and well-dressed women
Making orange juice with a high-powered juicer in the room on the other side of my door
Dubstep dance party


Of note was one woman asking "do you live here?" For the record, I was wearing a bathrobe at the time and had my best 'I'm angry but I'll be diplomatic about it' face on. I think it's safe to assume I didn't wander in here off the street.

I never thought I'd yearn for the nights when all I was interrupted with was THAT DAMN ROOSTER

Car design doesn't make sense

Why does this always happen? Whenever a new model of car comes out, it's always just a little bit bigger than the older one. A little taller, a little heavier and a little longer. Why longer? Parking spaces remain exactly the same length. It's not like there's an abundance of street parking in LA to begin with.. longer cars mean even less of it to go around.

The meaning of the German National Anthem

At one point, the German national Anthem was "Deutschland, Deutschland über Alles"
This more or less equates to:

Germany! Fuck yeah! Freiheit is the only Weg!

Review: boxed potato pancakes

I'm a fan of potatoes, and a fan of frying things. Potato pancakes should be one of those things that I unequivocally love. And under the right circumstances, that's absolutely true. These were not those circumstances. These were the circumstances created by a person who thought that nuclear war was imminent and who decided that nobody would miss things like 'flavor' when the bomb got dropped.

I wonder if the person who invented these ever had an actual potato pancake. I think not. I think that the idea for these was communicated to him by someone who also had never had a potato pancake, but who had overheard them being described on the subway. The only terms that were communicated were potato, hot and oily.

In that regard, it gets 2 of 3 things right. I wouldn't call the starchy mess "potato". "damp styrofoam goo" is a lot closer. But it's got lots of hot and a good amount of oily.

I've had a lot of bad potato pancakes in my day, but those were at least bad in interesting ways. This is like a meal in that nuclear bunker: keeping you alive, but also with the quiet desperation feeling that the people alive up top are at least having fun.

Grade: D. They're easy to make, and that's about it.

We secretly love not adventureous, unhealthy food.

I've fallen in love with a site called foodgawker
My favorite thing is how it reveals how lame our food tastes really are. The front pages will have things like "Pineberry & Sakura On A Coconut Sponge", "Indonesian Cassava Fritters Stuffed with Coconut Sugar" "Tau Suan With You Tiao" or "Khong Namool"

All very exotic dishes. Very Masterchef-y. But the most popular dishes?
3 different recipes for mac-n-cheese
2 different recipes for jello shots
3 variations on roast potatoes
and a lot of cookies

R.I.P. My favorite swear word

Catholic vandals attacked the controversial work Piss Christ.

Not cool. What's worse is an article that says that Serrano probably wanted the photograph to be destroyed. For one, you're totally putting words in his mouth. And for two, it doesn't work like that. Even if I want a work to be destroyed, that doesn't automatically mean you get to do it. If I hold up a sign that says 'please punch me in the face' that doesn't mean you get to.

A fact or two about meat

Today, I learned that the 'cabeza' tacos aren't brain, they're beef cheek. Beef cheek actually sounds kind of tasty.

However, offal is not something I'm going to eat. I blame homophones.

Fine dining, college style

Reheating restaurant leftovers is perfect for me for so many reasons
-I get to eat two meals for the price of one so my teensy-weensy stomach and what might be mild anorexia get to rejoice at the portion sizes
-I don't have to cook. I just have to arrange food that someone else made for me.

There's two strategies for reheating food.
One is the 'dump and spread'. For things that are mostly homogenous, you can dump a portion on the plate, and spread it into an even, thin layer. This works for just about everything from mashed potatoes to pad thai.

Some foods require a more deft touch. Foods like burritos. For those, the 'slice and arrange' is the way to go, to avoid that dreaded cold center. Make neat-ish cuts and arrange on the plate. It's like burrito sushi

If you're feeling extra fancy, garnish with parsley or a shot of cheap vodka

The dangers of car air conditioning

It's starting to get hot in LA (the Minnesotan in me wants to point out that the forecast for Saint Paul calls for flurries, so what am I complaining about?) This means time to turn the AC on. But there's a problem.
You will leave the car in the sun for hours and the AC controls will be left on full blast. When you return to the car, instead of a gentle, cool breeze...
You get The Nazi face-melter
















It feels just like this

You have been warned. Don't let air conditioning melt your face this summer.

A modern ethical dilemma

Suppose you are waiting in line at a fast food restaurant. There are only a couple people working, so it takes a while for food to get out. Are you allowed to order a milkshake, which will slow things down even further for the people behind you? Or should you just get a soda instead?

I believe Kant would say to go for the soda. But Kant never had an oreo cookie shake. I believe Ayn Rand would say to get the shake, but she's a philosopher in much the same way that the woman who wrote Twilight is a literary scholar. Zizek would also go for the shake, but only because he smokes copious amounts of the reefer.

Philosophers are useless.

We know what baseball fans want

The Wilmington Blue Rocks, a minor league team from Delaware have a youtube channel. One of the events featured is a Monkey rodeo, with monkeys wearing cowboy suits.
Another video in their channel reads "fan gets tasered".

And this is why I go to baseball games. Drunk or belligerent fans getting their comeuppance. And sometimes it's dollar dog night.

This would happen to me

Tomorrow is the dreaded Tax day. I've been told that I'm exempt from taxes this year because my income is too low.
How low?
I made Negative nine thousand in 2010.

This makes me an anti-super saiyan.

Expertise

Today, I was interviewed for my opinions on the 2011 USC Senior gifts. (Spoiler alert: I'm not a fan of them). This is a major improvement in my life. Last time I was an expert, it was when a local TV station featured me for my skills in dumpster diving. I preferred to think of it as 'Hobonomics'.

According to the internet...

According to the internet, I'm more popular as an interior designer than comedian. I had an interior design blog which hasn't been updated in about a year, and that pulls in more traffic than this one.
I'm not sure whether that should depress me, or make me curl up in my knockoff Eames lounger and plan where I'm hanging my posters.

I'm a charitable man

Causes I support:
Heiffer foundation
Marriage equality
Buying Skylar a door so we don't have to hear him and his girlfriend having sex

Won't you consider making a contribution?

What you gonna do when they come for you?

Due to a error on the part of the Minnesota DMV and my misplacing my car registration in some papers at home, I was involved with the Pasadena police. I'm somewhat of a wanted man. On one hand, this is a hassle involving a ticket I'll need to sort out. On the other hand, I thought Oh my gosh, I'm wanted by the police. I'm one of them bad boys I keep hearing about

Official ruling: Domestic Terrorism edition

If you park on a busy street, chances are you'll have to exit your car. That means opening your door into traffic. This means wait until there is a gap in traffic.

However, if you open your car door just as I'm driving up to you, YOU ARE A TERRORIST.

Dating advice for Christian men

So one time at Bible study... (That's right, I study the Bible. Not religiously, though)
... a very good friend brought up some dating advice for the Christian man. It's an interesting subset, which had this piece of advice:

it's important for men to have good male friends. Women will want you to act like children, men will want you to step up and be men.

I'm not sure how true this one is. Has the author of this piece of advice ever seen men in their natural habitat? It's not the most... mature of settings. We mostly call each other up to be better at HALO or flip-cup.

R.I.P. Porky's

This isn't going to be funny, but it is something that's been on my mind.

Porky's Drive-in, one of my favorite childhood restaurants closed recently. It had cheap hamburgers, Friday night fun with classic cars driving up and down University. I was too young to truly know how special it was, but I had a pretty good idea. Something about the wonky 50s roof, the smell of frying oil in the tiny space, and god that Neon sign. That was from an era when you could be showy without being gaudy.

What's going in its place? More housing for the elderly. That's right baby boom generation. You helped create this place and now you're taking it away. Whatever happened to appreciating the past? What's the better aroma: French fries and onion rings, or old person smell?

If there is any consolation coming out of this, it's that the neon sign will be sold and preserved, and the State fair will get a mini-porky's on it. But that's a bit like being told that Johnny Rocket's, or some other faux-50s chain will come in and take its place. Some things can't be remade.

Long live Mickey's diner. Long live Flameburger. But alas, poor Porky's, we hardly knew ye.

"to protect, serve and be adorable"

We just got a puppy. Unless you're my landlord, in which case everything is exactly the same as it always has been, and that fist-sized hole in the wall was there when we moved in.
Anyways, this brings me to a story from Fox News. In Ohio, a man was recently charged with a misdemeanor for 'teasing a police dog'. This is another one of those things I didn't realize that I've always wanted to do. From now on, everytime I call the police I'm asking for a K9 unit. Heck, maybe the police dog and our new puppy can play.

An alternative to abstinence-only sex ed

To stem the tide of teen pregnancies, which in the US is the highest of all the developed countries, some people think that what teenagers need is abstinence-only sex education.

I don't think so. I mean, would you expect a "just say no" tactic to work for your dog? And dogs are wayyy more responsible than teenagers. For one, a dog will always come when you call for it. Dogs can't roll their eyes when you discipline them, and they actually look sorry when you scold them.

So teens, maybe you need to be more like dogs.

An open letter to phone companies

I understand that maybe K-Earth 101, the LA oldies station is not listened to by many young, progressive people. But come on guys, don't lie to the elderly.

There is no such thing as "Next generation home phone service". As part of the next generation, I will only have a cell phone. Please dedicate a lot more resources to high-speed internet services. Or for getting my home phone to play Angry Birds

Official ruling: Non-stop Oldies version

"Oldies" generally refers to songs from between "Rock around the Clock" and the Sgt. Pepper album.
"Classic rock" generally refers to certain songs from between the British Invasion and the rise of punk. Such songs are also appropriate for an 'Oldies' station, so long as they're the good ones.

So K-Earth 101, "Ladies of the eighties" is not an appropriate theme for an "oldies" station.

PS. No disco.