Bad combination

I used to be bad at shaving. I'd always leave my skin raw, and then I'd get a flaky razor burn mustache. Then google taught me how to shave properly.

That's when I learned I just had really crappy skin for shaving. Or for being skin in general. Combination skin is oily AND dry. At the same time! It's like sweet and sour sauce, only this combination makes things less appetizing.¹
The problem is you can't put the lotion for dryness on the oily bits, and you can't put the astringent on the dry parts. So, after years of careful research, I've drawn up the lines on which is which. Honestly, it makes my face look like political gerrymandering. I also have one random wrinkle, or as I call it "The 11th district of California"

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1. Its really all that keeps me from being eaten by cannibals.