Driving down to an open mic today I got stuck in the 6 o'clock rush hour on the 405. It was intense driving down to Hermosa beach, not because the traffic was at all bad, but because I was forcing myself to drive in a very very exacting way.
I read somewhere that you can undo a traffic jam by driving at just the right speed where you don't have to hit the brakes. Tapping the brakes causes people to slow down and the cycle of speed up-brake-speed up-brake repeats over and over. So there I was, the traffic whisperer. The lone man who could win this traffic jam.
Overhead, the eye in the sky traffic reporter would notice me. He'd announce: "Folks, I can't believe what I'm seeing, but someone is driving conscientiously on the 405. This is truly amazing" And he'd cut over to the color commentator who'd say "In all my fifty years I've never seen driving like this. This is truly one for the ages folks."
All the listeners in their cars would lean forward, trying to hear more. Children not quite old enough to know *what* traffic was could tell that something special was about to happen. The traffic reporter would continue "Folks, I can't believe what I'm seeing here: the traffic jam is going away! This is incredible? How does he do that!?"
The color commentator would pipe in: "George, nowhere in the Drivers handbook does it say that you have to drive like a Californian." Someone would flip through the handbook, amazed that such an obvious loophole existed the entire time.
"All you folks listening at home, this is a day to remember. What a show he's putting on today. He's almost made it. Can he make it all the way? I can't bear to watch this folks, he's so -HE MADE IT! HE MADE IT! Ladies, gentlemen and children, someone has ACTUALLY DEFEATED a traffic jam. He's won. He's won!
Cars all around me would explode into cheering. Someone would throw confetti and a marching band would walk on to the Rosecrans off-ramp. I'd be hoisted on shoulders of an adoring public. Some guy with a fedora and a Speedball camera with the ridiculous flash would take my photo. Someone at the Los Angeles Times would yell 'stop the presses!' into a room full of whirring and whizzing machines.
Words would appear, and Morgan Freeman would read them. "Nick Klaus' incredible driving lead Southern Cal to its first victory over traffic. In the thirty years since, nobody else has ever been carried off the freeway'
A guy can dream, right?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hahaha, awesome. I think I recall reading something to that effect as well...
ReplyDeleteOh Dude, apparently having these exact words (or very close to them) running through my head every work day for 15 years has produced enough mental energy to have you channel them into a blog post!
ReplyDeleteThe sad thing is...I have to deal with about 1/100 of the traffic you probably do. I go to work at like 1pm and stupid people still piss me off.