Everything you need to know about the new Lamborghini

To ignore the fact that I'm a poor college student who really needs to pay this month's rent, I like to pretend that I'm a secret millionaire.
And let me tell you, secret millionaire me is PISSED that I can't buy the new Lamborghini Aventador. Even the name is awesome. Aventador is a great word. It makes me think of a matador with a jetpack. It's going on the list of names I would name my kid, if I were Charlie Sheen right now¹.

The car goes from naught-to-sixty in the time it takes you to realize the milk's gone bad. This might be a bit sluggish for the on-ramps on the 110 north of downtown LA, which are best measured in nanometres, but should be more than adequate everywhere else. The engine itself is a v-12 mill that produces 700 horsepower: let's be honest, that number is wholly gratuitous, but Lamborghini has never been known for restraint. Top speed is 217 miles per hour, but it makes more sense to refer to that number as Mach .28.

The transmission is made of robots, the body is aluminium and carbon fibre, and the brakes are carbon ceramic. This car is so advanced that if you crash it (which you almost certainly will) that there is only one man in the United States qualified to repair it, using techniques that make open heart surgery look like it was performed with gardening shears.


Yes, they've mis-spelled the word 'matte'
The car is designed with all the restraint of a weeklong cocaine binge. Colors include TSA threat level Orange, shouty yellow, and bloodshot eyes red. There are also three different colors of grey, in case you're boring. Of course, it's only a matter of time before these cars are painted lurid shades of pink or gold by their owners, and given wheels which belong on Escalades. You can't do anything to save them.

That's the downside: The entire first year's run has been bought up, most likely by loud, flashy individuals who will leave the world no doubt that they're overcompensating. That's the club you'll be buying into. Poor college boy me doesn't want to hang with that crowd. Millionaire me, on the other hand is shedding a single 24 karat gold tear.

1. The list also includes Lando, Magnum, and BAM! (with the exclamation mark)