On the off chance that one of my readers is still in high school, you may face the dreaded SAT writing section. What follows is my handy little guide to the SAT plus Writing.
1) Don't be smart.
They're not looking for deep, cutting insight. They're barely looking for intellect at all. The bar is set at "can you write a five-paragraph essay that doesn't make me want to vomit with rage over how dumb you are?" Pick a viewpoint and defend it as clearly as you can. Stick figures with labels aren't explicitly discouraged.
2) Don't be self-congratulatory.
If you're considering writing something like "as the former secretary-general of the UN said to me when I was receiving my award for excellence in the field of leadership for my role in raising money for Rwanda" don't. Nobody likes a show-off, especially one who won't shut-up. It won't hurt your chances of getting accepted to college, but the College Board will alert your top-choice university and you'll be given a really shitty roommate.
3) Don't be dumb, either.
This means grammar and punctuation. If you know how to use a semicolon; use it. If not - well a dash is almost as good. If you don't know how to use either of those, throw them in anyways, with a good helping of "irrigardless"-es and "ergo"-s. If you're going to bullshit, bullshit to the highest degree possible.
4)Know your goals.
Where are you applying? ASU? Be sure to spill beer on your application. Ivy League? Either write entire sections in Greek or Latin and link them in to post-modern critiques of Foucault, or write a little note about who your daddy is and how he wouldn't stand for this. An Evangelical Christian College? Make sure every sentence is about Jesus. Also, be sure to disclose your below-average ACT science and critical reading scores.
Can you trust me? Absolutely! Keep in mind, I only scored a 520 out of 800 on the writing section. But it's not about scoring well, it's about winning.
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