Klaus presents: The stories of the saints

Aight, ladies and gentlemen, we turn now to the bizarre chapters of religious tradition known as "the Stories of the Saints". One way to become a Saint in the Catholic tradition is to have miracles ascribed to you. People have to invoke your name, and if something truly astonishing happens, it looks good on your permanent record.

Tonight: Saint Henry.
Eleven miracles are ascribed to Henry. Two children raised from the dead and four sick people healed. Those sorts of things are regarded as solid, blue chip miracle makers. If you can get those on your record, you've got a really good chance of sainthood. Some fishermen survived a storm by invoking his name. I've seen A Perfect Storm and I hate the song "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" so I'm all for saving the lives of fishermen. A solid resume-builder if you're applying to be a saint.

However, the record doesn't end there. We turn now to the lesser miracles:
-A Franciscan called Erlend had his headache healed.
I have had many a bad headache. It took me a while to realize these were migraines. I had just thought that I was a wimp. However, I prefer to invoke Saint vicodin.

-The Bishop's finger was found the next Spring
Yuck. I'm not sure if this is a miracle, the result of really bad cleaning, or just another finger. For those not in the know, Henry was killed trying to punish a murderer. This was the time before police records existed, so I'm not sure where the finger was at time of death. This actually leads to another miracle:

-The murderer lost his scalp when he put the bishop's hat on his head
Double yuck. Again, out of context this is just bizarre, and I can't stomach knowing what "in context" looks like. Speaking of stomach, here's the last miracle!

-A priest in Skara had gotten a stomach ache after mocking Henry
Um... I'm feeling a bit ill actually, and I don't think it's the Chipotle burrito.

Next time on "The Stories of the Saints", I'll either avoid blasphemy or stock up on pepto bismol.